Why I will never cheat on my husband

It's common knowledge that The Mr. and I don't have children.  It's also almost-common knowledge that a couple of years ago, he had a vasectomy to make sure we would never have children.  Ever.

However, that doesn't stop him from stressing out when it gets close to that time of the month.  See, there's a less than 1% chance of pregnancy during the first 6 months after the vasectomy...and even slimmer chance thereafter.

But you see, that is not why he gets anxious each month.  Oh no.  It's not.  But I'm on to him.

See...according to him, if I were to become pregnant, there'd be a 99% chance that he would not be the father.

Regardless of the fact that he leaves the house more than I do.  Regardless of the fact that the only in-person contact I have with the opposite sex is when the gay guy upstairs comes home and I just happen to be outside smoking at the moment.  Regardless of that fact that even if I did have contact with other men, it's been so long since I've been single that I really wouldn't know where to start flirting, let alone having the sex.

Anyway, The Mr. has these elaborate plans to skip the country and go backpacking across Europe if I were to ever leave him.  If I were to get pregnant, it would be just the same.

So, he sits here each month...secretly hoping that I'll get pregnant so he can turn his back on responsibility and hop a jet across the Atlantic to live the life of a wanderer.  He makes comments like, "I don't want to be the less than 1%", but in reality, he's thinking, "please let this be the less than 1% so I can run away without feeling guilty."

Yeah, he thinks he's being clever and discreet, but I know his secret.

And I've got news for him...

I will never cheat on him.

Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't dare because I wouldn't want to give him the satisfaction.

I'm a good, considerate wife like that.

He will be stuck with me forever!