Three years ago, today

I sat, with my cellphone by my side, waiting.  Waiting for the news.  I hadn't slept for days, and had barely eaten anything, either.  I just waited, impatiently, jumping every time the phone rang.  But it never rang with the number I had waited for.

The days on end of no sleep finally caught up with me, however.  I nodded off...

...and that's when the phone rang.

My brother's phone number showed on the caller ID.

This was it, I thought.  This is what I had been waiting for.  And suddenly, I felt sick to my stomach.

"Hello?" I answered, groggily.

"They're going to do it now," my brother whispered.

"Okay," I said, my voice shaking.  "Let me say goodbye."

That was the night my father died.

My brother held the phone up to my dad's ear, as I said my goodbyes through tears.  When he picked the phone back up, he said, "They're pulling the plug now."

Then there was silence.

The silence went on for what felt like hours...but in reality, it was only a few seconds.  Then I heard the sobbing.  My mother's voice first, then my younger sister, then my older sister, my brother's wife...then, my brother broke down on the other end of the phone.

It was surreal.

I lost it.

I thought my father would be in my life forever.  He was my hero.  He was indestructible.  And yet, there he was, being brought down by the side effects of a fungal infection in his lungs that doctors failed to catch until it was too late.

I was angry.  Angry at the doctors for not catching the infection.  Angry at my dad for not fighting it.  Angry at my mom for letting this happen¹.  But most of all, angry at myself for not being there for this...for being 5000 miles away.

I didn't sleep that night - just like I'm not sleeping now.  All I did was smoke and cry and smoke some more and hate my husband for going back to bed like nothing ever happened².

Right now, my husband's asleep, and my mom is still in mourning.

I guess I should go smoke now.

 
¹ I know it wasn't my mom's fault, but I was emotional.
² I also know that it wasn't his fault for needing to sleep like a normal human being.